Do you ever have just one of those days that your depression just takes over and ruins everything. Feeling unworthy or worthless even just down lonely that was me the last couple of days. I lost my anti depressant meds for a couple of days and I stared questioning my relationship with my best friends and multiple people.
I was put on a suicidal watch at one point in my life not to long ago actually it was my lowest point and it all started with my ex trying to leave me kind of ironic huh. That's not the point though and I'm not trying to bad mouth him this is just kind of how I hit that low point. This was when we weren't living in my hometown when we were in Sidney I was visiting my mom for Memorial Day weekend. We just got back to her house from going somewhere I don't remember all the details my ex planned on coming down on Saturday to help his friend. When he showed up he asked me to go inside my mom's house since we were outside playing (with my son) I was thinking everything was fine his friend was there I didn't think anything of it I thought he just had to use the bathroom and he wanted to tell me he was going to be busy with stuff and might not be able to see us a lot well I was wrong because I went inside before him and when he walked in I heard the hallowing of my cat. My heart dropped because I knew what he wanted to talk about then I wasn't ready for a divorce I still loved him. I started crying before he even started talking. He looked at me without any reasoning telling me it wasn't going to work that this was the only way I refused I raised my voice and I honestly don't remember most of the argument it's such a haze I do remember him leaving and my holding onto my cat for dear life. I didn't realize how low I hit I went driving around that evening to just think I ended up on top of a big hill that over looked the town. I said some goodbyes to people including my ex not explaining why but I was going to drive off the hill that would make my car roll and most likely kill me. I stared over the edge and just looked and wanting to take my car off park and picturing my car rolling down it. The one person who kept jumping back into my mind was my son and in all honesty if it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't be here right now to tell you my story my son saved me just the thoughts of him growing up without me felt worse than the feeling of ending my life. I finally got the courage to go back to my mom's house just as the cops arrived I was put in my mom's custody for suicidal watch.
I look back at that moment more than you would think I was going to end my life because I was being asked for a divorce now yes we got back together but months later I ended up asking him for a divorce. I don't know if that moment made me realize I was under emotional abuse or what but my eyes were opened to pretty much a new life. Here's the thing I look at it and think I did die I'm not that person anymore I'm someone new I'm changing my life for the better. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy I just need some supportive people in my life and my son.
Now the one's I want to focus on is I was questioning my friendship with my 2 best friends now yes one is still mad at me but I started asking myself if I was just a convenience to them that convent friend who is available whenever or will make themselves available. Even though I found my pills I still deep down feel this I haven't talked to them about it yet but I can't bring myself to do it.
It also brings me to the point of making a playlist on YouTube I wouldn't say that the songs are uplifting or angry but a mix of everything. To help as it's called Fight Back I don't know if I named it that to fight through everything going on or my depression. I don't talk about my depression a lot because I don't want to be one of those people who talk and talk about it to the point it's almost annoying. (I know a person who claims to have it and does this) I'm not saying don't talk about it because you need to talk to someone about it. You don't want to hit a low low point like I have at one point. It's still hard for me to talk about because it brings me tears and I don't like crying I feel like I've cried enough in one lifetime, but I'm about bring awareness not just to Epilepsy but everything for ex abusive relationships, depression and bullying. If I could I would travel and talk to people and tell them my story and saying this makes me think I should tell you my story now.
I was put on a suicidal watch at one point in my life not to long ago actually it was my lowest point and it all started with my ex trying to leave me kind of ironic huh. That's not the point though and I'm not trying to bad mouth him this is just kind of how I hit that low point. This was when we weren't living in my hometown when we were in Sidney I was visiting my mom for Memorial Day weekend. We just got back to her house from going somewhere I don't remember all the details my ex planned on coming down on Saturday to help his friend. When he showed up he asked me to go inside my mom's house since we were outside playing (with my son) I was thinking everything was fine his friend was there I didn't think anything of it I thought he just had to use the bathroom and he wanted to tell me he was going to be busy with stuff and might not be able to see us a lot well I was wrong because I went inside before him and when he walked in I heard the hallowing of my cat. My heart dropped because I knew what he wanted to talk about then I wasn't ready for a divorce I still loved him. I started crying before he even started talking. He looked at me without any reasoning telling me it wasn't going to work that this was the only way I refused I raised my voice and I honestly don't remember most of the argument it's such a haze I do remember him leaving and my holding onto my cat for dear life. I didn't realize how low I hit I went driving around that evening to just think I ended up on top of a big hill that over looked the town. I said some goodbyes to people including my ex not explaining why but I was going to drive off the hill that would make my car roll and most likely kill me. I stared over the edge and just looked and wanting to take my car off park and picturing my car rolling down it. The one person who kept jumping back into my mind was my son and in all honesty if it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't be here right now to tell you my story my son saved me just the thoughts of him growing up without me felt worse than the feeling of ending my life. I finally got the courage to go back to my mom's house just as the cops arrived I was put in my mom's custody for suicidal watch.
I look back at that moment more than you would think I was going to end my life because I was being asked for a divorce now yes we got back together but months later I ended up asking him for a divorce. I don't know if that moment made me realize I was under emotional abuse or what but my eyes were opened to pretty much a new life. Here's the thing I look at it and think I did die I'm not that person anymore I'm someone new I'm changing my life for the better. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy I just need some supportive people in my life and my son.
If you are having thoughts or feel lost don't be afraid to call the suicide hotline.
Amanda Rost
Instagram : @EpilepticMom
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